


Flight Risk

by Pottergalval



Series: 221Broken [1]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Books, Ficlet, Hospitalization, M/M, Originally Posted on Tumblr, Psychology, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-07
Updated: 2017-01-07
Packaged: 2018-09-15 15:00:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9240383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pottergalval/pseuds/Pottergalval
Summary: Sherlock Holmes is suicidal, but he doesn't think that gives other people the right to decide what he needs. Instead, he turns to science, as he always has.A short ficlet that explores what Sherlock would be like if he were suicidal (or you can just watch the show)





	

**Author's Note:**

> After Tumblr user sincerely-chaos found psychiatry and suicidology textbooks in 221B on Google Maps, another user, femmelocked, suggested that Sherlock reads textbooks as a way to cope with and rationalize his suicidal thoughts. I just had to write a fic. Original post [here](http://sincerely-chaos.tumblr.com/post/155522434706/femmelocked-galvalpal-sincerely-chaos)
> 
> Thanks to femmelocked and sincerely-chaos for the idea and the support!!!

Sherlock Holmes had been suicidal since he was approximately 16 years old. It was one of those facts that he noted and filed away for later. He didn’t find it to be something of immediate concern. There were simply days when his head was too filled with thoughts and facts and deductions that he wondered what it would be like for everything to just… _stop_. Some people found comfort in religion, the idea of an afterlife and of a higher power that would care for them and make them feel special, but Sherlock found comfort in the idea of nothingness. Of quiet.

Instead, he turned to drugs. Heroin and cocaine did a fine job of slowing his mind, though they never stopped his thoughts completely. Sherlock was okay with that, for now. But he was also okay with the idea that one day he might take too much and slip away into oblivion.

Which is exactly what he did.

Sherlock woke in a hospital, bombarded by psych evals and suicide prevention jargon. He was admitted to a psych ward for a period of time, and it was miserable. They wanted to know _why_ he had those feelings, tried to delve into his childhood, his emotions. Sherlock had no idea why these so-called professionals, for all their training, chose to operate in the least scientific realm of the field, when there had been so many recent advancements in things like neuroscience and psychopharmacology. He knew what the doctors wanted to hear however, and was able to convince them that their inane methods had helped him. They gave him a suicide-prevention hotline number on his way out, which he promptly threw away on his way to the bookstore. Sherlock needed science. He picked up a few general psychiatry books and one on suicidology. When he was feeling particularly at risk, Sherlock poured over demographics, theory, drug success rates and side effects.

When John Watson moved in, Sherlock hid the books under the floorboards in his bedroom. The last thing he needed was for his new flatmate to think he was a flight risk, in the most permanent sense. And as their relationship continued, Sherlock found he thought of death and of the book less and less.

Then came the fall. Sherlock was only 68% sure that he would survive, but he didn’t much care which scenario would come to pass. Either way, he would be leaving John. But the odds were in his favor, once again, and Sherlock fought against Moriarty’s underworld, fought for life, fought to be by John’s side once more.

But when he came back, John was no longer living at 221B. Instead, he had Mary Morstan. Sherlock went to his room, the adrenaline of his “Big Reveal” dying down, and dug the books out from under the floorboards.


End file.
